Core Conditions
Within my client work, I use three core conditions to ensure I am working with the clients best interests in mind at all times.
Empathy
If you have lost a loved one, and later in life a friend confides in you that they have just lost a loved one, you can almost be certain that the feelings you have towards your friend include empathy. This is much deeper than sympathy, when a person feels empathy for another, what they are actually doing is feeling just as that person is feeling. They are metaphorically putting themselves right into the shoes of that person and feeling the same emotions, the same pains, the same fears, the same thoughts, the same worries. To empathise with someone is to feel that persons feelings on a much deeper level. Empathy within a counselling environment of course needs to have certain limits, for example it would be counter productive for the counsellor to literally feel all the emotions that the client was feeling- if this were the case the counsellor would be unable to properly counsel the client. And of course if the counsellor felt this way for every client, he/she would ultimately suffer with emotional burn-out. The skill for a counsellor is to empathise with the client on a deep level whilst remaining professional- easier said than done but with practice and supervision it does get easier.
Congruence
Congruence is a term used to describe the ability to be genuine and open. If you were to enter a room whereby you were asked to share your most inner feelings, would you feel comfortable doing so if the person listening to you was wearing a clown’s mask? (probably not). To be congruent, you must be yourself, no masks, no lies, no fears of judgement. A counsellor (in order to be congruent) must be able to show a genuineness and level of openness and honesty that enables the client to relax safe in the knowledge that the counsellor isn’t being ‘fake’. If a client can see that the counsellor is genuine and honest, they themselves will feel able to open up in a genuine manner too.
Unconditional Positive Regard
Total unconditional positive regard describes the ability to look beyond every human flaw, every bad deed or disagreement, and treat a person with total respect love and value regardless of who they are or what they have done, what they believe or what they stand for. It is a very instinctive desire for each of us to want to be liked, valued, loved and appreciated- even from very early childhood we aspire to be loved- preferably unconditionally, however many find it challenging to love without conditions or expectations. The role of a counsellor is leave all judgements at the door. I believe a good counsellor has the ability to look into the eyes of their client, and deal with the client in that moment- no expectations, no judgement, no hatred, no conditions, just simple love and respect for a fellow human being regardless of flaws and faults, age, sex, religion, crime, sexual orientation, values, or anything else that we tend to put in the way of deep loving relationships. Only where unconditional positive regard lives, can a person truly feel strong enough to show their true self to another. In the role of counsellor, if a client is given total positive regard, they will feel safe and secure enough to truly unravel the issues that need to be dealt with. Without fear.